Titanium

4 pounds 10.1 ounces

She has steadily been gaining weight and doing pretty well with her feeds. She is on ad lib feeding now and from the sounds of it doing well. Today when I was there she only took about half of what she usually does but she also received her 2nd immunization. The other big change with her today was that they took her oxygen off.

She was able to tolerate being off the oxygen for a few hours. It was a moment of such mixed emotions to have her off oxygen. I felt as though this was the moment for her to prove herself. One of the Neonatologists said they would try her off and if she didn't succeed she may go home on oxygen. I am hoping they try again. She said they would maybe try again. It is scary because along with the oxygen would come a monitor and just so much more. The fear of something wrong happening at home. I keep holding onto the thought of bringing Ella home and everything being so perfect, or as perfect as life is with a newborn. But, the imperfect perfect is what I want. She is still perfect in my eyes but it is just getting hard. I hope she continues to do really well with her feedings and that she finds the strength to breath on her own without the oxygen. I can find the patience to wait as many weeks as it takes. I have waited 61 days so waiting longer is just fine if the patience brings her home as safely as can be.

When Ella and I were sitting in the hospital waiting it out in those first couple of weeks, I would play the song Titanium by her in my belly. The song does not apply in its entirety but a few keys lines do apply. And, well I just like the song.

I am Titanium.
I am bulletproof.
Shoot me down but I won't fall.

I sing this song or the few lines I know to Ella when I hold her because she is a strong little fighter.
It was a tough visit with Ella today. It was hard to see her struggle to breath without the oxygen. The visit was very emotional for me. I left feeling very tired and as though I was losing my strength. I got in the car and as I was feeling this way and driving away .... our song came on the radio to remind me that WE ARE TITANIUM